I feel compelled to write as a formality, to mark the ending of a year and the beginning of a new chapter.
Writing, for a time, was my sanctuary, a way to let out all the feelings that would no longer fit inside my head and my heart. It's strange, because while I am the same person with the same heart today, I've learned how to work those pressing feelings into digestable components. I take once incomprehensible and unbearable emotions and try to understand them for what they really are.
2006 is over. It's been a full year, and I'm looking forward to a fresh one.
12.30.2006
12.12.2006
Recycling
I'm getting lazier by the moment, it seems ... but I was reading the last piece I wrote as Features columnist at UCI, written only days and weeks before some of the more challenging moments in my life, i.e., graduation, starting a career, heartbreak, moving back in with my parents. I don't know if I'm just reading into it after the fact, but there's a tone of wisdom and apprehension in my words, a bittersweet affirmation that I knew a painful change was ahead. Thinking back to my conscious at the time, cheery, ignorant optimism lay at the forefront of my thoughts, a thin veil shrouding my subconscious uncertainties.
Anyway, thought it might be worth a read ... enjoy?
Leaving the Jungle for Something Scarier— Life
Welcome to the Jungle
By Taraneh Arhamsadr Staff Writer
I feel like this is my final curtain call. In many ways, I suppose it is. Four years ago, I arrived at UC Irvine, bright-eyed bushy-tailed, and altogether terrified.
Oddly, the very first thing I did was sign up to write for the newspaper. I don’t remember exactly why or how I went about it, but the next thing I knew, there was a story assignment in my unworthy hands and a lifetime of memories directly ahead.
Soon enough, I became an editor, signing away my soul and my Sundays for a chance to shape the minds and ideas of my fellow students. “With great power comes great responsibility” was my motto, and I reached far and wide to represent all aspects of our campus within my six-page section.
Ambitious though I was, my young and naïve side still ruled, and I made many, many mistakes. I was safe. I didn’t push the envelope. I was easily convinced. But I learned—I had no choice.
There’s a funny process that college newspaper editors go through. As an editor, it’s your job to know more about the school than your fellow students and, if you have a heart, you start to care about what’s going on. As you progress and see more, you let yourself get angry about the issues students face and make it your job to change the status quo with what you write. Once you finally realize that some issues are beyond your control, however, you abandon the do-gooder mentality and think of what you can do in your position to affect change.
This means that hate speech will continue under the guise of free speech on our campus. Student groups will continue to feud over the wars of their ancestors, deepening wounds that they don’t fully comprehend. Fees will go up, parking will be inconvenient, and Anteaters still won’t have school spirit. The only thing I and those who come after me can do is report the facts, make sure every voice and perspective is heard and try to be fair and balanced—which, I might say, is harder than it looks.
The New University has been a major part of my life. While everything else around me has continued to change, my involvement in the newspaper has remained a constant, molding me into a wiser person than I ever thought I could be.
After all, you can learn a lot about yourself after being shut up in an office for nine hours with fifteen coworkers, all working fervently to produce a publication that will be copied 10,000 times before the night is over. More than just technical and academic skills, I’ve learned that patience can take me surprisingly far, that it takes less effort to be kind than to be a bitch, and that I am stronger than I think (or look).
Through this column, I’ve revealed a lot to all of you over the years. From dating drama to weight issues to my time in the Middle East, I feel that many of you have made this journey through college with me.
Now, I am very sad to go, but I know I have to. I could fail my classes on purpose and stay another year, but my parents wouldn’t be too happy. For everyone who’s read along or laughed or cried, or even gotten angry at my writing, I’d like to thank you and bid you farewell.
It’s been a pleasure.
Anyway, thought it might be worth a read ... enjoy?
Leaving the Jungle for Something Scarier— Life
Welcome to the Jungle
By Taraneh Arhamsadr Staff Writer
I feel like this is my final curtain call. In many ways, I suppose it is. Four years ago, I arrived at UC Irvine, bright-eyed bushy-tailed, and altogether terrified.
Oddly, the very first thing I did was sign up to write for the newspaper. I don’t remember exactly why or how I went about it, but the next thing I knew, there was a story assignment in my unworthy hands and a lifetime of memories directly ahead.
Soon enough, I became an editor, signing away my soul and my Sundays for a chance to shape the minds and ideas of my fellow students. “With great power comes great responsibility” was my motto, and I reached far and wide to represent all aspects of our campus within my six-page section.
Ambitious though I was, my young and naïve side still ruled, and I made many, many mistakes. I was safe. I didn’t push the envelope. I was easily convinced. But I learned—I had no choice.
There’s a funny process that college newspaper editors go through. As an editor, it’s your job to know more about the school than your fellow students and, if you have a heart, you start to care about what’s going on. As you progress and see more, you let yourself get angry about the issues students face and make it your job to change the status quo with what you write. Once you finally realize that some issues are beyond your control, however, you abandon the do-gooder mentality and think of what you can do in your position to affect change.
This means that hate speech will continue under the guise of free speech on our campus. Student groups will continue to feud over the wars of their ancestors, deepening wounds that they don’t fully comprehend. Fees will go up, parking will be inconvenient, and Anteaters still won’t have school spirit. The only thing I and those who come after me can do is report the facts, make sure every voice and perspective is heard and try to be fair and balanced—which, I might say, is harder than it looks.
The New University has been a major part of my life. While everything else around me has continued to change, my involvement in the newspaper has remained a constant, molding me into a wiser person than I ever thought I could be.
After all, you can learn a lot about yourself after being shut up in an office for nine hours with fifteen coworkers, all working fervently to produce a publication that will be copied 10,000 times before the night is over. More than just technical and academic skills, I’ve learned that patience can take me surprisingly far, that it takes less effort to be kind than to be a bitch, and that I am stronger than I think (or look).
Through this column, I’ve revealed a lot to all of you over the years. From dating drama to weight issues to my time in the Middle East, I feel that many of you have made this journey through college with me.
Now, I am very sad to go, but I know I have to. I could fail my classes on purpose and stay another year, but my parents wouldn’t be too happy. For everyone who’s read along or laughed or cried, or even gotten angry at my writing, I’d like to thank you and bid you farewell.
It’s been a pleasure.
11.27.2006
I'm Baaaack!
It's been a month.
I have this tendency to go on blogging droughts, but I think that this time, my silence was purposeful. Since I last wrote, there's been a big election and my Democratic party regained control of the House and Senate, among many, many other historical events ... I mean, who will ever forget the TomKat wedding in Italy with bouncing baby Suri? So as you can see, there's certainly not an absence of subjects to bullshit about.
But in these weeks of history, intrigue and juicier-by-the-minute "Grey's Anatomy" episodes, the frayed tightrope I've been tottering on since my summer of unpredictability has become reinforced, somehow. All those nasty little situations that I felt were outside my control are now mine for the manipulation ... or management, whatever's the nicer way to say it. I think it's because I was finally able to differentiate the important things/people from the trivialities in my life and re-establish the focus on the simple, good things: family first, good friends, hard work and, of course, the newest member of the Arhamsadr clan.
I have this tendency to go on blogging droughts, but I think that this time, my silence was purposeful. Since I last wrote, there's been a big election and my Democratic party regained control of the House and Senate, among many, many other historical events ... I mean, who will ever forget the TomKat wedding in Italy with bouncing baby Suri? So as you can see, there's certainly not an absence of subjects to bullshit about.
But in these weeks of history, intrigue and juicier-by-the-minute "Grey's Anatomy" episodes, the frayed tightrope I've been tottering on since my summer of unpredictability has become reinforced, somehow. All those nasty little situations that I felt were outside my control are now mine for the manipulation ... or management, whatever's the nicer way to say it. I think it's because I was finally able to differentiate the important things/people from the trivialities in my life and re-establish the focus on the simple, good things: family first, good friends, hard work and, of course, the newest member of the Arhamsadr clan.
10.27.2006
onomatopoeia
In my years of extensive relationship experience (ha), I've often found myself in one of two situations.
The first is where a guy and I just click. The conversation is easy, unaffected and enjoyable.
Then there are those times when I come across a fellow and there is an undeniable spark. It's like some greater force strikes the two of us together and flames erupt out of nowhere.
Rarely, however, has someone crossed my path who gives me a significant click coupled with a hot, hot spark. I've met and loved those who gave me a modest amount of both, but it was just never enough bang for my buck.
This makes me wonder. Is it possible to have both a spark and a click with someone, with maybe even some snap, crackle and pop for good measure? I'd like to hope so.
But maybe I'm just idealistic.
The first is where a guy and I just click. The conversation is easy, unaffected and enjoyable.
Then there are those times when I come across a fellow and there is an undeniable spark. It's like some greater force strikes the two of us together and flames erupt out of nowhere.
Rarely, however, has someone crossed my path who gives me a significant click coupled with a hot, hot spark. I've met and loved those who gave me a modest amount of both, but it was just never enough bang for my buck.
This makes me wonder. Is it possible to have both a spark and a click with someone, with maybe even some snap, crackle and pop for good measure? I'd like to hope so.
But maybe I'm just idealistic.
10.17.2006
WTF Mate?
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/10/15/us/15census.html?em&ex=1161230400&en=a26705a7fc88bdec&ei=5087%0A
I definitely have something to say about the recent finding that unmarried households now make up the majority in these here United States. Considering the fact that my brain is not functioning properly at the moment, however, you'll have to give me a day or so to put my opinion into words. Peace.
I definitely have something to say about the recent finding that unmarried households now make up the majority in these here United States. Considering the fact that my brain is not functioning properly at the moment, however, you'll have to give me a day or so to put my opinion into words. Peace.
10.16.2006
!Lovely Monday, Bubbles and Candy Canes!
Yeah, right.
The weather and the day of the week are very befitting of my shitty, shitty mood.
It's cold, damp and gray outside, and it will be 4 days before I get any rest and relief. There is no makeup on my face and no product in my wet hair...I just didn't care today. At least my desk isn't by the window ... it's fugly out there.
I'm usually quite proud of and happy with myself, because I work hard and hold myself to high standards and a strict moral code.
But I hope I'm not alone in thinking that sometimes, I really hate myself. I really suck sometimes.
While I'm wading in this shallow pool of self-loathing, the rainclouds over my head will slowly dissipate and I'll catch one, maybe two rays of sunshine in the hours and days ahead. Right now, I'm just looking up so I don't miss them.
The weather and the day of the week are very befitting of my shitty, shitty mood.
It's cold, damp and gray outside, and it will be 4 days before I get any rest and relief. There is no makeup on my face and no product in my wet hair...I just didn't care today. At least my desk isn't by the window ... it's fugly out there.
I'm usually quite proud of and happy with myself, because I work hard and hold myself to high standards and a strict moral code.
But I hope I'm not alone in thinking that sometimes, I really hate myself. I really suck sometimes.
While I'm wading in this shallow pool of self-loathing, the rainclouds over my head will slowly dissipate and I'll catch one, maybe two rays of sunshine in the hours and days ahead. Right now, I'm just looking up so I don't miss them.
10.12.2006
Mean, Motive and Opportunity
I find it simply frightening that in this day and age, national governments can blatantly deny accountability for proven historical events. Sure, we've all heard of wackjobs who deny the occurrence (sp?) of the Holocaust, but the fact is that those are individuals (crazy Middle Eastern presidents notwithstanding) and the German government, among others, has spent the last few decades apologizing and bearing the burden for what happened.
But to this day, the Turkish government flat-out rejects the label of "genocide" when referring to the 1915 deaths of 1.5 million Armenian men, women and children, instead attributing the losses to a Civil War that also took the lives of many Muslim Turks. Historical evidence, including pictures, documents and personal accounts, however, will suggest otherwise.
In the last century, displaced Armenians from all over the world have worked together to essentially defend the honor of their fallen relatives by continuing the affirmations that this genocide did occur and, as a result, have built and maintained a fierce national pride, despite the absence of a nation to call their own.
Now, Turkish writers are being criticized for acknowledging the Armenian genocide as a historical event and supporting today's Armenian. Most recently, Orhan Pamuk, a Turkish novelist, was awarded the Nobel Prize for his literary work that focuses on Turkish history. He was also prosecuted several months back for stating that the Turkish government should own up to its involvement with the Armenian genocide. While he's a wildly successful novelist, he has often been criticized for being "un-Turkish" and writing to a European audience, rather than a Turkish one, and this has led to allegations by the Turkish government that Pamuk's prize was a political favor from the Swedish government.
I could go on for days about this ... in fact, I sort of have. But the fact is that although Pamuk has put a considerable amount of effort into cultivating his controversial opinion, I can't know what his real motive is--considering that he's garnered more attention outside of Turkey than inside. For being who he is, he sure chose subject matter that would get everyone's attention.
Was it opportunistic? Maybe. Did it bring him international fame as the first Turk to win the Nobel Prize? Yes. But is this prize also a powerful tool that will strengthen the Armenians' arsenal and their resolve to continue affirming their horrific history? YES.
So everyone wins. Except, of course, for the Turkish government.
Read the article.
http://www.ft.com/cms/s/9f3f5ada-59f1-11db-8f16-0000779e2340.html
But to this day, the Turkish government flat-out rejects the label of "genocide" when referring to the 1915 deaths of 1.5 million Armenian men, women and children, instead attributing the losses to a Civil War that also took the lives of many Muslim Turks. Historical evidence, including pictures, documents and personal accounts, however, will suggest otherwise.
In the last century, displaced Armenians from all over the world have worked together to essentially defend the honor of their fallen relatives by continuing the affirmations that this genocide did occur and, as a result, have built and maintained a fierce national pride, despite the absence of a nation to call their own.
Now, Turkish writers are being criticized for acknowledging the Armenian genocide as a historical event and supporting today's Armenian. Most recently, Orhan Pamuk, a Turkish novelist, was awarded the Nobel Prize for his literary work that focuses on Turkish history. He was also prosecuted several months back for stating that the Turkish government should own up to its involvement with the Armenian genocide. While he's a wildly successful novelist, he has often been criticized for being "un-Turkish" and writing to a European audience, rather than a Turkish one, and this has led to allegations by the Turkish government that Pamuk's prize was a political favor from the Swedish government.
I could go on for days about this ... in fact, I sort of have. But the fact is that although Pamuk has put a considerable amount of effort into cultivating his controversial opinion, I can't know what his real motive is--considering that he's garnered more attention outside of Turkey than inside. For being who he is, he sure chose subject matter that would get everyone's attention.
Was it opportunistic? Maybe. Did it bring him international fame as the first Turk to win the Nobel Prize? Yes. But is this prize also a powerful tool that will strengthen the Armenians' arsenal and their resolve to continue affirming their horrific history? YES.
So everyone wins. Except, of course, for the Turkish government.
Read the article.
http://www.ft.com/cms/s/9f3f5ada-59f1-11db-8f16-0000779e2340.html
10.10.2006
Guns and Wedding Bells
Hi.
So I'm back from a wedding weekend in good old Sacramento. It was bizarre to see a girl who could drink/dance me under the table just two short years ago promising herself eternally to one man right in front of my eyes ... to see THE girl who taught me how to party radiating in virginal white as I twirled drunkenly on the dance floor.
Seeing how much she's grown and then looking within, I realize that despite the party persona I have taken on of late, I'm not so bad myself. Two years ago I was a bright young girl--but I was also a naive, quivering idiot. In spite of popular belief, I can take care of myself now and view situations more completely than ever before. And that brings me to the wonderful people I met this weekend.
Normally, I would approach a family that I know to politically and traditionally conservative with a polite, distant demeanor, simply because I'd assume that the differences between us would be too great to even attempt to relate. But this time, I took on a "people are people" attitude and opened myself up to understanding, admiring the family's arsenal of hunting rifles, having frank conversations and making friends along the way.
So I'm back from a wedding weekend in good old Sacramento. It was bizarre to see a girl who could drink/dance me under the table just two short years ago promising herself eternally to one man right in front of my eyes ... to see THE girl who taught me how to party radiating in virginal white as I twirled drunkenly on the dance floor.
Seeing how much she's grown and then looking within, I realize that despite the party persona I have taken on of late, I'm not so bad myself. Two years ago I was a bright young girl--but I was also a naive, quivering idiot. In spite of popular belief, I can take care of myself now and view situations more completely than ever before. And that brings me to the wonderful people I met this weekend.
Normally, I would approach a family that I know to politically and traditionally conservative with a polite, distant demeanor, simply because I'd assume that the differences between us would be too great to even attempt to relate. But this time, I took on a "people are people" attitude and opened myself up to understanding, admiring the family's arsenal of hunting rifles, having frank conversations and making friends along the way.
10.05.2006
Shame on Me
A kind young fellow pointed out that the girl who was sent home to die was not the same girl whose funeral is scheduled for tomorrow. Fuck. My bad. I still think the article was written in a misleading way, but that's precisely why I should check multiple sources before I comment on the facts at hand. And the next time I take a stab at news commentary, I will!
Or I can just stick to my usual, useless love/life/lies/bitching fodder.
Or I can just stick to my usual, useless love/life/lies/bitching fodder.
Oopsie
You know, everyone always tells me that Fox News is highly sensationalized, speculative and just plain wacky and, after watching certain newscasts, I often feel the same way.
But everyone deserves a second chance in my book, so today I decided to get my "news" from good old Fox ... I wanted to see what they had to say about the world this lovely morning.
Upon my first click, I read this:
GEORGETOWN, Pa. — Black, horse-drawn buggies glided past roadblocks in Lancaster County Thursday as hundreds of Amish families and their English friends prepared to bury four of the five young girls who were shot to death inside a schoolhouse this week.
Meanwhile, one of the five girls injured in the shootings was being taken off life support to come home to die.
Nice lead, inventive, minimal yet telling. I was drawn to the first line in the second paragraph immediately. Wait a second ... the fifth girl was shot and she is remaining alive with support, but does that mean she was shot to death? She's not dead yet, but she was shot to death? Is it possible to change the phrasing with the goal of less shock value and more accuracy?
But then I thought, maybe I'm wrong and this is protocol. So I clicked on to another story on the same topic. This one focused on an anti-gay church in Kansas that wanted to protest the girls' funerals due to their disagreement with the Amish way of living. Yada yada, blah blah blah ... and then we come to the last paragraph in the story.
On Monday, Charles Carl Roberts IV killed five girls — Naomi Rose Ebersole, 7; Anna Mae Stoltzfus, 12; Marian Fisher, 13; Mary Liz Miller, 8; and her sister Lena Miller, 7 — in a rural Amish schoolhouse in Lancaster County, Pa.
OK, so I know this is wrong. Whether or not the writer in story 1 (Todd O'Connor) determined that because the shot would produce a death, it was OK to use the phrasing "shot to death," I have issue with the way writer Sara Bonisteel just went straight to "killed." Girl number 5, Anna Mae, was still alive at press time! It's simple enough to get it right and these examples were both insensitive and irresponsible and for what? This phrasing didn't even add to the shock value and sensationalism of the story ... they were just distasteful without a purpose.
Sickened, I figured that I can't trust anything, so I might as well read my horoscope for some entertainment and alas, accuracy in the unlikeliest of places!
Your energies continue to shift, drawing you into a conflict that stems from a difference of perspective rather than from a difference of goals. It's likely that you both want the same result, even if that's not apparent now. Use your analytical powers to find common ground and work from there.
Thursday, October 5, 2006
You know what I think? Whoever is spying on my little, insignificant life should go and work for Fox News and bring some order to the world.
But everyone deserves a second chance in my book, so today I decided to get my "news" from good old Fox ... I wanted to see what they had to say about the world this lovely morning.
Upon my first click, I read this:
GEORGETOWN, Pa. — Black, horse-drawn buggies glided past roadblocks in Lancaster County Thursday as hundreds of Amish families and their English friends prepared to bury four of the five young girls who were shot to death inside a schoolhouse this week.
Meanwhile, one of the five girls injured in the shootings was being taken off life support to come home to die.
Nice lead, inventive, minimal yet telling. I was drawn to the first line in the second paragraph immediately. Wait a second ... the fifth girl was shot and she is remaining alive with support, but does that mean she was shot to death? She's not dead yet, but she was shot to death? Is it possible to change the phrasing with the goal of less shock value and more accuracy?
But then I thought, maybe I'm wrong and this is protocol. So I clicked on to another story on the same topic. This one focused on an anti-gay church in Kansas that wanted to protest the girls' funerals due to their disagreement with the Amish way of living. Yada yada, blah blah blah ... and then we come to the last paragraph in the story.
On Monday, Charles Carl Roberts IV killed five girls — Naomi Rose Ebersole, 7; Anna Mae Stoltzfus, 12; Marian Fisher, 13; Mary Liz Miller, 8; and her sister Lena Miller, 7 — in a rural Amish schoolhouse in Lancaster County, Pa.
OK, so I know this is wrong. Whether or not the writer in story 1 (Todd O'Connor) determined that because the shot would produce a death, it was OK to use the phrasing "shot to death," I have issue with the way writer Sara Bonisteel just went straight to "killed." Girl number 5, Anna Mae, was still alive at press time! It's simple enough to get it right and these examples were both insensitive and irresponsible and for what? This phrasing didn't even add to the shock value and sensationalism of the story ... they were just distasteful without a purpose.
Sickened, I figured that I can't trust anything, so I might as well read my horoscope for some entertainment and alas, accuracy in the unlikeliest of places!
Your energies continue to shift, drawing you into a conflict that stems from a difference of perspective rather than from a difference of goals. It's likely that you both want the same result, even if that's not apparent now. Use your analytical powers to find common ground and work from there.
Thursday, October 5, 2006
You know what I think? Whoever is spying on my little, insignificant life should go and work for Fox News and bring some order to the world.
10.04.2006
I need to rant
I am done censoring myself, it's not getting me anywhere.
I know what's good for me and what's right, but I choose to walk in the opposite direction with the thought that I am young and it's OK to do stupid shit while I still can. It's just not.
I know I am strong, but I let myself be weakened when I push down my spirit and let others, people I want to impress or keep in the picture, walk all over me. I've done it with friends, coworkers, boyfriends, family, everyone who is significant in my eyes ... and every time I let it happen I feel like less of a person.
I do this because I always feel like it's me that is in the wrong and that, as a solution, I need to somehow adjust myself completely while letting all others continue with their quirks and faults ... and just take it up the tail pipe. I'm very sorry, but fuck that. I am done. I am in the position to take control of all the situations in my life, so that's what is going to happen.
No one is infallible ... no matter what he or she may think. I'm certainly not, and this new POV I'm trying to adopt doesn't mean I will never admit wrongdoing again ... in fact, I plan on it. But I will not ADD to my infallibility (is that a word?) in order to satisfy others with their false sense of perfection!
Wow, that feels better.
I know what's good for me and what's right, but I choose to walk in the opposite direction with the thought that I am young and it's OK to do stupid shit while I still can. It's just not.
I know I am strong, but I let myself be weakened when I push down my spirit and let others, people I want to impress or keep in the picture, walk all over me. I've done it with friends, coworkers, boyfriends, family, everyone who is significant in my eyes ... and every time I let it happen I feel like less of a person.
I do this because I always feel like it's me that is in the wrong and that, as a solution, I need to somehow adjust myself completely while letting all others continue with their quirks and faults ... and just take it up the tail pipe. I'm very sorry, but fuck that. I am done. I am in the position to take control of all the situations in my life, so that's what is going to happen.
No one is infallible ... no matter what he or she may think. I'm certainly not, and this new POV I'm trying to adopt doesn't mean I will never admit wrongdoing again ... in fact, I plan on it. But I will not ADD to my infallibility (is that a word?) in order to satisfy others with their false sense of perfection!
Wow, that feels better.
10.01.2006
Stuff and shit
An update ....
I can't bring myself to sit down and write lately, just because there is way too much to say, way too much swirling around in my little head.
I have a very specific idea of the person I want to be: intelligent, well-informed, comfortably independent, strong, attractive, respected, modest yet confident, balanced, mellow.
It seems easy enough, but it's actually quite difficult. You see, instead of trying to live a certain way and take things as they come, I rely on results, even when it isn't time for them. When I'm not presented with results, I am ill at ease, even though it isn't those damn results that I need. Sadly enough, this carries into every aspect of my life.
I rush to establish an opinion when I really should know more about something. I make decisions simply so they are not left unmade. I mail letters when I know there's more to say. I go in for the kill before it is time. You get the idea. I jump and leap and dive when strolling along would work so much better for me.
This is something I am working to change about myself, so that I can come one step closer to achieving personal perfection =).
Kidding, of course.
I can't bring myself to sit down and write lately, just because there is way too much to say, way too much swirling around in my little head.
I have a very specific idea of the person I want to be: intelligent, well-informed, comfortably independent, strong, attractive, respected, modest yet confident, balanced, mellow.
It seems easy enough, but it's actually quite difficult. You see, instead of trying to live a certain way and take things as they come, I rely on results, even when it isn't time for them. When I'm not presented with results, I am ill at ease, even though it isn't those damn results that I need. Sadly enough, this carries into every aspect of my life.
I rush to establish an opinion when I really should know more about something. I make decisions simply so they are not left unmade. I mail letters when I know there's more to say. I go in for the kill before it is time. You get the idea. I jump and leap and dive when strolling along would work so much better for me.
This is something I am working to change about myself, so that I can come one step closer to achieving personal perfection =).
Kidding, of course.
9.16.2006
Lazy and Sneezy
In front of me sits a smoldering Black & Mild cigar, which has survived through its second session of my half-hearted dabbling. I don't like everything that comes with smoking, but when I inhale, I can actually feel my breath travelling deep into my body, bringing a sense of calm that is very rare to me.
"I'm gonna do some things you wouldn't let me do..."
John Mayer's new album came out this past week, and amen to that. He talks about the constraints and toxicity that come with the wrong kind of relationship. In the last month, I've seen a surge in my confidence level and social life so prevalent that sometimes, I feel like my reflection is glowing. Sometimes, I'm even a hottie.
That doesn't mean I dont fall into my moments of bitterness and nostalgia--trust me, I do. But simply the fact that I can smoke a cigar or spend time with whoever or wear what I want and not face judgment is refreshing. I think in relationships, a fair amount of mutual self-editing can be expected, tolerated even, to make things work. But when you second-guess your every move or action because of the other person, then there's a fucking problem.
I have two very tempting party invitations for tonight, but you know what? Tonight, I'd rather lie around with my family and watch an exciting rented DVD. Judge that, bitches.
"I'm gonna do some things you wouldn't let me do..."
John Mayer's new album came out this past week, and amen to that. He talks about the constraints and toxicity that come with the wrong kind of relationship. In the last month, I've seen a surge in my confidence level and social life so prevalent that sometimes, I feel like my reflection is glowing. Sometimes, I'm even a hottie.
That doesn't mean I dont fall into my moments of bitterness and nostalgia--trust me, I do. But simply the fact that I can smoke a cigar or spend time with whoever or wear what I want and not face judgment is refreshing. I think in relationships, a fair amount of mutual self-editing can be expected, tolerated even, to make things work. But when you second-guess your every move or action because of the other person, then there's a fucking problem.
I have two very tempting party invitations for tonight, but you know what? Tonight, I'd rather lie around with my family and watch an exciting rented DVD. Judge that, bitches.
9.07.2006
Quirkyalone
Is it possible to find someone who gives you the security to make you sigh in relief and who takes your breath away every time ... all at the same time?
Are the feelings you get from cuddling in front of the TV with the same person every night enough compensation for the ambivalence that time and a high level of mutual comfort bring?
Is it possible to feel "the thrill" with someone for an extended period of time without some overarching conflict that brings it about?
My life has taught me that those relationships that come about too easily are usually not worth having, and that anything truly satisfying in life takes at least some hard work to obtain.
I'm at work, of course, and distracted ... today by this commentary that drove me particularly out of my mind by its accuracy. So I just had to write about it. Take a look!
http://www.calendarlive.com/dating/cl-wk-tell7sep07,0,1387481.story?coll=cl-weekend
Are the feelings you get from cuddling in front of the TV with the same person every night enough compensation for the ambivalence that time and a high level of mutual comfort bring?
Is it possible to feel "the thrill" with someone for an extended period of time without some overarching conflict that brings it about?
My life has taught me that those relationships that come about too easily are usually not worth having, and that anything truly satisfying in life takes at least some hard work to obtain.
I'm at work, of course, and distracted ... today by this commentary that drove me particularly out of my mind by its accuracy. So I just had to write about it. Take a look!
http://www.calendarlive.com/dating/cl-wk-tell7sep07,0,1387481.story?coll=cl-weekend
8.30.2006
22
What a number. It's a palindrome, for one--if numbers can even be palindromes. It's the first birthday you face after the whirlwind that is 21, and often the last birthday people look forward to. And for me, it's a new beginning, a fresh start. In fact, 22 will be my 21.
For the first time, I am single, employed, confident, independent and relaxed, all at the same time. This has never happened before, folks, so take note. I spent the last year or more in a zone so comfortable that I all but stagnated. It was needed, sure, but at this point, I'm ready to grab every aspect of life by the balls and spin it in the air.
Is that a weird reference? Because it was the best way I thought to describe it.
Anyway, happy birthday to me.
For the first time, I am single, employed, confident, independent and relaxed, all at the same time. This has never happened before, folks, so take note. I spent the last year or more in a zone so comfortable that I all but stagnated. It was needed, sure, but at this point, I'm ready to grab every aspect of life by the balls and spin it in the air.
Is that a weird reference? Because it was the best way I thought to describe it.
Anyway, happy birthday to me.
8.28.2006
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
If you can't tell, that's a sigh of relief. I just got back from a weekend getaway that I really needed. It was mindless, fun, foolish and oh so hip.
There's nothing like sipping an amazing cappuccino in a seemingly unpretentious coffee house in San Francisco while the old man sitting next to you babbles to himself, or dancing to techno music with a big guy in a sweatsuit, or letting the constant breeze tangle the life out of your hair and not giving a shit, or doing sake bombs in a humble sushi restaurant.
The Bay area is just so different than Orange County in terms of people and lifestyle and state of mind and weather. It was really refreshing to see how others live, and I think I left my heart back there on the trolley, a little bit.
Could I ever live there in that urban world, when all I'm used to is exaggerated suburbia? It would certainly require a serious adjustment on my part. For now, I'm happy where I'm at and doing what I'm doing. But I will tell you this ... you may just find me having a brew in Union Square one of these weekends.
If you can't tell, that's a sigh of relief. I just got back from a weekend getaway that I really needed. It was mindless, fun, foolish and oh so hip.
There's nothing like sipping an amazing cappuccino in a seemingly unpretentious coffee house in San Francisco while the old man sitting next to you babbles to himself, or dancing to techno music with a big guy in a sweatsuit, or letting the constant breeze tangle the life out of your hair and not giving a shit, or doing sake bombs in a humble sushi restaurant.
The Bay area is just so different than Orange County in terms of people and lifestyle and state of mind and weather. It was really refreshing to see how others live, and I think I left my heart back there on the trolley, a little bit.
Could I ever live there in that urban world, when all I'm used to is exaggerated suburbia? It would certainly require a serious adjustment on my part. For now, I'm happy where I'm at and doing what I'm doing. But I will tell you this ... you may just find me having a brew in Union Square one of these weekends.
8.21.2006
Coldplay
....is one of those bands that you love and you hate all at the same time. Inside, you're feeling somehow that you could only describe as kwlerjwaofiwujfowei oiao, and those bastards put it to words. Don't illustrate my feelings through the art of song! No one else feels that way! Ah, but they do ... damn you, Coldplay.
I was talking to a friend today about "cutting the crap" in your life, in your work and in all of your daily interactions. I would love to erase my sense of drama, which can vary in extremity at times, and replace it with a completely practical outlook. But seeing as that is practically impossible, I will simply try and monitor my reactions to the experiences that come my way, one by one by one.
Something else I've been dying to mention which relates to my new life theme of strength....
The other day I got home in a particularly shitty mood. Eyes misty, weighed down with bags and papers, I barely noticed the kids in front of me, blowing soap bubbles all over the bushes and the ground. I went inside, collected myself, took a shower and relaxed, realizing that I was making things out to be worse than they really were.
A few hours later, I went to take out the garbage, and the sunset revealed a glimmer on the concrete below me. Lying there, between the oil slicks and dry pine needles, was a small bubble, still intact.
Now, let's be honest. I'm far too tired to talk about what it meant to me and what it all means. All I know is that I got a quick lesson in survival tactics.
I was talking to a friend today about "cutting the crap" in your life, in your work and in all of your daily interactions. I would love to erase my sense of drama, which can vary in extremity at times, and replace it with a completely practical outlook. But seeing as that is practically impossible, I will simply try and monitor my reactions to the experiences that come my way, one by one by one.
Something else I've been dying to mention which relates to my new life theme of strength....
The other day I got home in a particularly shitty mood. Eyes misty, weighed down with bags and papers, I barely noticed the kids in front of me, blowing soap bubbles all over the bushes and the ground. I went inside, collected myself, took a shower and relaxed, realizing that I was making things out to be worse than they really were.
A few hours later, I went to take out the garbage, and the sunset revealed a glimmer on the concrete below me. Lying there, between the oil slicks and dry pine needles, was a small bubble, still intact.
Now, let's be honest. I'm far too tired to talk about what it meant to me and what it all means. All I know is that I got a quick lesson in survival tactics.
8.17.2006
The Big Picture
It's easy to put yourself into a little box, so you can focus on only that and choose "themes" that will define you at any given time.
Today, I am a young professional, a liberal, a new college graduate, a moderate feminist and an angry bitch. It all sounds very typical and a little too easy. And unfortunately, you don't learn much from easy.
I just talked to a college buddy who has spent the summer training and teaching middle school students in Watts, in South Central L.A. It's been 6 weeks since I've seen him last, and it seems like he's an entirely different person with a more complete understanding of what the world is all about. More complete than my understanding, to say the least.
My life, in the scheme of things, is so unimportant ... my problems, in comparison to real problems that people have, are less than inconsequential. How can they feel so all-encompassing?
What I need is a big dose of perspective so that I can stop bellyaching and start serving a purpose. I have two legs to walk on, a mind that works pretty well when I want it to and loads of opportunity ahead of me. Today I was looking at the Peace Corps web site for opportunities. Is that my reality check? Or can I find that "check" right where I am, with the right frame of mind? Who knows.
Today, I am a young professional, a liberal, a new college graduate, a moderate feminist and an angry bitch. It all sounds very typical and a little too easy. And unfortunately, you don't learn much from easy.
I just talked to a college buddy who has spent the summer training and teaching middle school students in Watts, in South Central L.A. It's been 6 weeks since I've seen him last, and it seems like he's an entirely different person with a more complete understanding of what the world is all about. More complete than my understanding, to say the least.
My life, in the scheme of things, is so unimportant ... my problems, in comparison to real problems that people have, are less than inconsequential. How can they feel so all-encompassing?
What I need is a big dose of perspective so that I can stop bellyaching and start serving a purpose. I have two legs to walk on, a mind that works pretty well when I want it to and loads of opportunity ahead of me. Today I was looking at the Peace Corps web site for opportunities. Is that my reality check? Or can I find that "check" right where I am, with the right frame of mind? Who knows.
8.16.2006
Part 2
I'm in the office after a particularly interesting morning of meetings and food. I like meetings...and I really like food.
Life has been ridiculous lately. I was comfortable with my perception of what my life was all about, and confident in the fact that I wouldn't want it any other way. Then things were ... rustled up, if you will, and here I am, a bit off balance, but surprisingly calm and cool.
I wish I could be a recluse at a time like this. You've all known someone who faces a sudden or difficult change in his or her life, goes into hiding for a while, and comes back, better than ever and possibly even tanned. I wish I didn't need people around me when I was lost, people that I could babble to and be incoherent with and show all my weaknesses to.
But unfortunately, I need people and I need babble, and it's both funny and disturbing to see who I find comfort in in different situations ... I really feel bad for them, putting up with my shit, but respect that they can.
Because it's some pretty irritating shit.
Life has been ridiculous lately. I was comfortable with my perception of what my life was all about, and confident in the fact that I wouldn't want it any other way. Then things were ... rustled up, if you will, and here I am, a bit off balance, but surprisingly calm and cool.
I wish I could be a recluse at a time like this. You've all known someone who faces a sudden or difficult change in his or her life, goes into hiding for a while, and comes back, better than ever and possibly even tanned. I wish I didn't need people around me when I was lost, people that I could babble to and be incoherent with and show all my weaknesses to.
But unfortunately, I need people and I need babble, and it's both funny and disturbing to see who I find comfort in in different situations ... I really feel bad for them, putting up with my shit, but respect that they can.
Because it's some pretty irritating shit.
Hello
I spent three years coming up with what I thought were clever anecdotes for my fellow classmates at UCI. I lived with deadlines and often cursed my decision to be a columnist ... to have to come up with things that my readers would find original and thought-provoking.
But now that I have no publication that relies on my inches and words to fill up the space, I feel something missing. As cheesy as it sounds, I need to keep talking. And if the same people aren't listenting this time around, so be it. I'm late for a meeting now, but this was nice. =)
But now that I have no publication that relies on my inches and words to fill up the space, I feel something missing. As cheesy as it sounds, I need to keep talking. And if the same people aren't listenting this time around, so be it. I'm late for a meeting now, but this was nice. =)
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